Called to Connect

18Jun09

We cannot live our lives in isolation. It’s not healthy, and it’s not how we were made to live.

As an introvert, it’s very easy for me to “hide out” because I don’t get lonely when I’m by myself. I don’t get that stir crazy feeling that others say they have if they haven’t left the house in a couple days or they don’t see their friends every night. I’m just fine by myself. I think part of it is that I had to be fiercely independent as a child and when you depend on yourself and yourself alone, other people aren’t that necessary to the “getting by” of life.

I want to make clear, though, that I’m not shy at all! It’s not that I’m hiding from people because I’m scared of them or some foolishness like that. I just don’t really need them.

Except that I do. I think I need them even more because it doesn’t feel like I do. If that makes sense at all.

I have found some wonderful friends here, and my friends from undergrad and home are all the bees’ knees. Seriously. But there was one type of community that I was craving, and resisting, the most.

A community of believers to call my own.

Some of you who’ve been following my blog for awhile now will know that my search for a church home since moving here last August has been spotty to say the least. I found a great church recommended by people I love and trust, but it was too far away for me to get involved beyond Sundays, and Sundays alone aren’t enough for me. So I went “shopping” in the fall and found a closer congregation that I thought might be the right fit for me. It only took a few weeks to realize that I was the only 20something in the entire congregation. I stuck it out, though, into the new year and gave a new resolve to getting involved in January.

But, as much as the people I was getting to know (young thirtysomethings with families) were lovely to me and very welcoming, I just couldn’t relate to them. You see, all my life my friends have been older than me. I don’t relate well to people my own age because I never went through that “youthful indiscretion” phase. I can’t live like a college student still because I didn’t live like a stereotypical college student when I was one. And as much as they welcomed me into their lives, in my quest to find contentment with this phase I’m in (unattached, years from starting a family of my own) being around all those much older, settled, married folks was making it hard on me. Then, our pastor left for a new opportunity in Latin America. In the face of months and months of “candidates” and inbetween times and the church trying to find its identity again…I knew it was time to move on.

But I resisted. I wasn’t happy there, and truth be told it was an internal battle every week to convince myself into going. I would actually barter with myself – “If you get up and go to church you can do something fun tonight” – that is NOT how I wanted to feel about my church. So, after I eventually just gave up and stopped going altogether I took some time on my trip home in March to think about it. Would I give it another shot at that church? Or would I go searching again.

Part of my hesitancy to move on is that I don’t think that shallow reasons for changing churches are good ones. The relationship you have with your church family is like any other, it requires commitment and sometimes that means riding out the rough times. But I realized over spring break that I wasn’t committed to this church. I didn’t really know anybody beyond a “hey, how are you” level. The only way I remembered peoples’ names was because we wore nametags. I arrived just as service started and slipped out immediately afterward. There was no relationship. So, I made the decision at the end of March to go searching again.

I was incredibly nervous, because I realized that I didn’t have any strong Christian friends to ask for recommendations. I couldn’t think of anybody else I knew that went to church regularly. After I got over feeling overwhelmed at having to just “try out” a bunch of random places I was inspired to take on what seemed like a big task (especially as I headed into finals time) because I knew that something was missing if I had nobody to ask for advice after living here for 9 months.

Without much direction, I turned to the Source of All Knowledge – GOOGLE. How 21st century am I? Well, one of the first churches that came up had an interesting website and I decided to try it out. I was a little apprehensive since it is technically a “church plant” and I’ve never gone to anything but established churches. When I saw they met in an elementary school I became even more nervous. Was I about to walk into a meeting of 7 people?

Well, God moves in amazing ways. I “accidentally” stumbled upon a gem (and I don’t really think there was anything accidental about it). My church, and yes I fully consider it mine now, is amazing. While we do sit on folding chairs and meet in an elementary school, that’s only because our building isn’t finished being re-fitted for our use (the miracle that is this building is a whole other post entirely!). And 7 people? Multiply that by 50. I walked out of that first Sunday and, in the car on the way home said to myself “This is it.”

I’ve been going to this church for about 2 months now and, all that background to get to my real point, I hadn’t connected with people the way I needed to. I realized that I was resisting moving beyond just sitting in the chair on Sunday. And it took a couple of weeks of reflection for me to figure out why. I think that, for me, when I really put down roots in this church it meant that I was for sure not going back to my life in the Midwest.

I have no intentions of moving back there, and never really have. I’ve made this my home in every way, except in really connecting with my brothers and sisters in Christ. To me, that’s the real linch pin of whether I am home or not, not my address or my car registration or any of that other stuff. I, subconsciously, felt that these new people that I would be connecting with would be replacing my “family” that I loved for the past four years and I didn’t want to do that.

Once I was able to put my finger on exactly why I didn’t want to step out and join in with the life of my church (because I knew it wasn’t shyness about going places by myself and being new in a sea of strangers…that doesn’t phase me one bit) I was able to call it what it was and cast it aside. So, I stepped out of my self-imposed comfort zone and emailed one of the womens’ Bible study leaders about joining their group. On Saturday I’m starting the membership class. Next weekend I’m going to a conference with a bunch of ladies.

But last night I took the biggest, most emotional step. I went to Bible Study with a brand new group of girls I’d never met before. I stepped out in faith that God had a place for me waiting and that, hopefully, these ladies would be the friends (sisters really) I need in my life. People to hold me accountable, to pray and rejoice with.

And oh how they are! I feel so incredibly blessed by the women in this group who have just opened up their arms and hearts and lives to me as if I’ve always been a part of their circle. We bonded over peanut butter m&ms and Beth Moore’s fabulous hair. And while it turns out that I’m one of the only single girls it just feels different than my other church. Instead of being overwhelmed by their lives I rejoice to hear stories about a 4 year old little boy doing everything in his power to push his mom’s buttons. I can relate to these women.

I love how God works, so that nothing feels coincidental. Last night I was certain I was lost, as I had wound up in a cul-de-sac and there were no culs-de-sac on my google map. I pulled into the driveway of the house on the end to turn around and glanced up to look at the house number. Perfect! It was my destination! And as I got out of my car to go inside (and admittedly felt a few butterflies in my stomach) I saw, parked just behind me, a woman who was also semi-new to the church and who I met at a New Attendees mixer the month before. So we walked in together.

I feel all silly writing this, but I love them all already. They remind me of the best things in each of the ladies I love the most. I feel like they’re a gift to me.

As I left, W (the girl I came in with) and I walked out together. She said to me, “I’ve decided that we’re going to be friends!” And given our matching purple shirts, red cars, and matching BlackBerries, the fact we grew up in neighboring cities and have the same taste in candy, I think we’re off to a good start.

I feel incredibly blessed!

Even though stepping out and connecting with people can be intimidating, and for some downright scary, it is so worth it. We’re designed to live in community with each other. Not just near each other, but with each other.

Filed under: community of believers   |  15 Comments